Real-Life Dungeon Master: Lockpicking Skills

 

Image Description: A woman with long brown hair stands in the stacks of a library. She is wearing tight low-rise black jeans, with a metal chastity belt underneath, parts of which are clearly visible over the waistband of her jeans. She is holding an enormous hardcover book: Advanced Lock Picking by Steven Hampton.

Caption: “Master says that if I want to improve my rogue’s lockpicking skills, then I really have to put in the work. And he even gave me a little extra motivation!"

Ball Handling

 

Image Description: A young woman with long light brown hair stands in a basketball court with her legs spread wide. She is wearing a bright red sports bra, red-and-white shorts with a Louis Vuitton-style pattern on them, and white sneakers. She is holding a basketball in each hand, looking at the ground with an expression of concentration. 

Caption: “Coach said if I could handle these two balls on the court, then he might give me back the ones in my shorts.”

User Experience

Image Description: A woman stands in a featureless room. She has long strawberry blonde hair that covers her otherwise bare breasts. She has one well-manicured hand on her hip, and the other on her thigh. She is wearing only a silver ring on her left middle finger and a small circular silver shield over her groin, held in place with a thin silver chain.

Caption: “Why did you change my character designs?” Audrey demanded, barging into Felix’s office.
“Marketing thought your female warrior design was unattractive.”
“She’s a barbarian. She isn’t supposed to be attractive, she’s supposed to be a badass.”
“That’s a pretty sexist attitude. Attractive women can be badasses.”
“You made her into a stick-thin sex object in a metal bikini! Her armor is totally impractical! It doesn’t provide actual protection!”
“Sure it does, it has the same stats as the male armor. And the male characters are sexualized too, just look at all their muscles! Besides, we have to make certain aesthetic choices. For realism.”
“It’s a fantasy game!”
“So why does it matter if she has ‘practical’ armor? You’re just not making sense, Audrey. I think you’re too emotionally invested.”
She glared at him, then sighed in frustration and stomped out.

When Felix woke, he brushed long hair out of his face with a willowy, manicured hand. Looking around, it only took him a moment to recognize the surroundings. After all, he’d been looking at them for over a year now. He was in the game! Level 1!

A note had been coded into a nearby wall: “I’ve given it some more thought, and you’re totally right. In fact, I made some more badass aesthetic adjustments that I think you’ll really enjoy! Make it to the end of the game, and we’ll talk about your user experience after.

- Audrey”

Commentary: At one point I had a different idea for this picture, and I might get around to doing it at some point...

Just one more slice...

Image Description: A young woman with smoky eyes, dark full lashes, and long black hair lays on her stomach on a couch, looking over a pizza box with several slices of pepperoni pizza in it, biting her lip. She is wearing a light blue tank top and a similarly-colored thong.

Caption: “Ugh, I can’t believe this,” Savina said, hanging up her cell phone. “I’ll be right back. Don’t touch my pizza; last time you ate the whole thing.”

“You can’t stop me,” Al replied, eyeing the hot pepperoni pie.

“I can make you regret it.” Savina waved her hands over the pizza and spoke a few magic words. “See you in fifteen, twerp.”

Al rolled his eyes and grabbed a slice as soon as Savina was out the door. He wolfed it down, and his clothes changed immediately. His t-shirt and jeans morphed into a powder blue tank top and matching thong panties. They rode up uncomfortably, but if Al knew his sister, the spell would have changed his whole wardrobe in the same way.

After the second slice, his black hair cascaded down to his back, and his eyelashes became longer and fuller. He suspected that he was completely made up, and there’d be no removing it with soap or wipes. The third slice swelled his butt and hips, narrowed his shoulders, and melted his body hair,
leaving him smooth and slim and curvy. Slice number four gave him swelling breasts, too big to strap down or hide with baggy shirts, and he could feel his manhood shrink to a comical size. He spread out on the couch, feeling his tiny stiffness pressing into the cushions as he looked into the box.

“Maybe just one more slice,” he said...

Deep Bench

Image Description: A woman with shoulder-length blonde hair stands on one side of a volleyball net. She is wearing a black bikini and holding a volleyball, and she has a satisfied expression on her face. Behind her and to her left are three dark-haired women standing casually.

Caption: “Well, you boys sure are quiet. Starting to rethink your comments about girls’ volleyball
skills? Because by my count, you’re 0 for 3, and I’ve got three new recruits for the girls’
team. They’re not exactly starters, but it’s nice to have a deep bench. So, who’s next?”

Commentary: I always love captions about sports and magical wagers like this.

Potty Training

Image Description: Three women are standing in a bedroom, bent over a bed, next to a wastebasket. All three have their pants pulled down slightly to expose their oversized diapers. The two girls on the left have one hand on their diapers, as if in distress. The girl on the left has brown hair pulled back in a ponytail, and is wearing a gray sweatshirt, a pink shirt underneath, a blue diaper, dark gray pants, and bright pink socks. The girl in the middle has long blonde hair, a gray hoodie with writing on the back, a purple shirt underneath, a blue diaper, purple capris, and white ankle socks. The girl on the right has dark brown hair and is wearing an off-the-shoulder pink top with a white cami underneath, a white diaper with a green stripe down the middle, and black pants.

Caption: Mrs. Stevens was at her wit’s end. Halfway through the school year, and the Beta Tau Gamma fraternity house next door had to reclassify itself as a sorority thanks to her spells. She’d hoped that would put a stop to the raucous parties, but if anything, they’d only gotten worse! Loud boys coming in and out at all hours, that head-splitting noise they called “music” nowadays, and the filth. Sure, they couldn’t relieve themselves on her prize bluebells anymore, but these—well, you could hardly call them ladies, could you?—would just hike up their skirts (not that they needed to hike them very far, mind you, even in this weather) and squat right there in the yard when the party was on. The snowy yard was still splotched with yellow patches after their last little soirée. So she rolled up her sleeves and hit the spellbooks. She’d raised five lovely children, so she knew a thing or two about discipline. Sometimes if you wanted a child to learn a bit of self-control, you had to take some control away. The sisters next door had a lot of growing up to do, but Mrs. Stevens supposed that if they behaved themselves, she might even put them back in their big girl panties by the time Spring Break rolled around.

Commentary: This is a sequel to Watering the Flowers, and won't be the last we see of Mrs. Stevens or the fratgirls next door...

Something Different

Image Description: A very pregnant woman with shoulder-length auburn hair sits cross-legged on a bed, with a quizzical expression on her face. She is wearing a pair of green pajama pants with white spots, and a gray t-shirt that completely exposes her round belly.

Caption: Greg’s wife Anna loved to magically change her appearance challenge him to identify what was different. He’d gotten pretty good, even when she clouded his senses. So this time she tried something a little different.

“Hm,” Greg said, looking at her quizzically, shifting to accommodate his now-huge belly. “I don’t think it’s your hair, and I think your eyes are the same...is it your nose?”

Anna smirked. He’d get there eventually.

Commentary: And here it is, the last post left from the ol' Tumblr. Which means I no longer have a nice little archive to pull from every week. I've banked quite a few captions over the months, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to burn through it too quickly. So starting next week, I’ll be updating twice a week instead of three times, and it’ll probably be Monday and Friday. Bookend your work week with all-new captions!

Juicy Melons

Image Description: A woman with shoulder-length dark hair lies on a pile of small watermelons in a greenhouse full of melon plants. She is smiling at the camera, and her large breasts are squished by the melons she's lying on. She's wearing a bikini top that's green on one side and red-and-black striped on the other, and it's barely able to contain her breasts.

Caption: Not all genies are mischievous tricksters, slyly twisting words and granting wishes for their own amusement. Some have good intentions and are eager to please. Ken here found just such a genie, and she was clever enough to know when Ken made his wish that the wish's key phrase "juicy melons" had multiple meanings.

So she gave him both kinds, just in case, and Ken couldn't be happier with them!

Commentary: I saw another picture from this same picset done by another caption writer recently. It's a really great set for caps.

A Game of W-H-O-R-E

Image Description: An attractive young woman is on the ground of an outdoor basketball court, with her legs spread open and her arms propping her up into a semi-sitting position. She has her eyes closed, and her long brown hair hangs down almost to the ground. Her red-and-white ringer t-shirt is tight across her braless breasts, and is short enough to leave the bottoms of her breasts exposed. She is also wearing black-and-white boyshorts and sneakers, and a basketball is nearby.

Caption: Arturo thought Carlos said “hey, wanna play a game of HORSE?” It was weird that Carlos called out “W” after Arturo missed a shot, but Carlos was kind of a weird guy anyway. Arturo pulled at his shirt and shorts, wondering if they’d somehow shrunk in the dryer, but they’d been fine until he started the game.

When Arturo missed a second shot, Carlos shouted “H.”

“You forget how to spell?” Arturo asked, then cleared his throat. His voice sounded strange, and he hoped he wasn’t getting sick. He took his time and shot again, certain this time that he’d make it,
but the ball came nowhere near the basket.

Carlos laughed out an “O,” which was humiliating enough, but then Arturo noticed he’d also broken a nail. When did his nails get so long? When’s the last time he’d had them done?

Determined not to lose, he brushed his hair back behind his ear. He’d have to get it trimmed, it was a mess of split ends. He shot again with all his strength, just barely hitting the rim.

“Yeah, yeah, R,” he said to Carlos, rolling his eyes. His voice was still a little husky. Probably just out of breath, he figured.

The next shot went wild when his arm caught his breast. What was he thinking, starting this game without a sports bra? He was sure to be sore tomorrow, and not just because of losing.

Carlos giggled out an “E” as Ariel dropped to the ground, tired but exhilarated. Sure she lost, but she sure got her heart pumping.

Carlos reached to help her up. “Wanna hit the shower?” he smirked.

“How ‘bout a rematch?” Ariel replied. “This time, shirts vs. skins.”

Oblivious

Image Description: A woman with long brown hair up in a messy bun is reading a book on a table in a library. She is wearing glasses, black boyshort underwear with white trim, and a gray button-up midriff top that exposes a lot of cleavage. She's on top of the table on all fours, with her butt raised in the air.

Caption: "I know the reversal spell is in here somewhere," James thought. "I've got to find it before this slut curse starts affecting my mind!"

Feeling Patriotic

Image Description: A woman with light brown hair pulled into a ponytail wears an American flag-patterned bikini and stands on a dock near a pond. She has her hands on her chest and has an annoyed look on her face.

Caption: The state of politics today had Louis feeling pretty down on the Fourth of July. Thankfully his witchy neighbor Katy had just the spell to get him feeling more patriotic. Or dressing the part, at least.

Commentary: Happy Independence Day to my American fans!

No Tip

Image Description: A woman with long dark hair stands at an open door holding a pizza box. She is wearing a tight white tank top and lace-topped pink panties with thin white stripes. She has a tribal tattoo on her lower back, peeking out over the tops of the panties.

Caption: Wanda sighed audibly when she saw the address attached to this pizza. Jeff Andrews never tipped, but he loved to harass the female delivery drivers. She couldn't make him more generous, but with a little magic, Wanda made sure that Jeff couldn't stiff anyone again.

Brief Hiatus

Going on a break for a couple of weeks, but don't worry...absence makes the heart grow fonder. Just ask Mr. Branson here!

Better Fit

Image Description: A woman with long, voluminous brown hair sits in an enormous red-soled black stiletto heel. She's wearing a black vinyl top that shows a lot of cleavage, and strappy leggings that lead all the way down to her own shiny black stiletto heels.

Caption: In hindsight, Alan could have worded his wish better than "I want to fit in women's shoes."

Commentary: I love shrinking! Unfortunately, my Photoshop skills are not nearly up to par for making my own shrinking captions, so I have to rely on extremely serendipitous pictures like this!

A Quick Pic

Image Description: A very pregnant woman with long dark hair, a black-and-white striped shirt, and denim overalls, holds up her pink polka-dot cell phone and smiles brightly. She has a grumpy-looking bulldog on a leash and is wearing purple tennis shoes, standing in front of some metal mailboxes.

Caption: "Sandra! Hi! It's been too long! Yeah, should just be another week or two. I'm just ready to be a mom now, you know?

Terry? Oh, he's right here! I've had him on a pretty tight leash ever since I found out he was sleeping with you.

You thought I didn't know? Oh honey, you have a lot to learn, but I'll be happy to teach you. Just let me snap one quick pic—it'll be...what, twenty years before you look like that again?

That's assuming I don't make you a boy; I mean, I already have a girl on the way, and if I'm going to have twins, it might be nice to have some variety. Terry went through a similar change, and he liked it so much that he's going to have a litter of puppies!

Oh, don't look so scared. You'll spend a year on your back, waited on hand and foot. You'll love it, I'm sure.

You know, just before I changed him, Terry said he'd love to see the two of us together. Well, we'll never be closer than this!"

Commentary: I don't think of unbirthing as something I have much interest in, but I've definitely done some captions in that direction. Hmmm...

Frantic Search

Image Description: A young woman with long, somewhat unkempt brown hair stands on a chair next to a large bookcase full of books. She looks over her shoulder toward the open door to the room. She's wearing just a black-and-red striped long-sleeve shirt that doesn't entirely cover her naked butt.

Caption: The spellbook had to be in this shelf; Steve had already checked all the others. Hopefully he could find it and cast the reversal spell before she—wait, was that the door? Oh, shit.

Setback

Image Description: A heavily pregnant woman with long blonde hair stands with a large barbell over her shoulders. She is wearing a pink-and-gray sports bra and black exercise shorts with pink piping, and she's looking at the camera.

Caption: Geoff Shaw stood on the stage at the World's Strongest Man competition, ready to accept the award he'd worked toward his entire life. A moment later, he was sitting on a toilet, looking down at a positive pregnancy test and a very different body. On the news, they called it the Great Shift, but Geoff just called it a setback. Seven months later, Geoff certainly wasn't in world-class shape, but it was a start.

He made it to the stage once before, and she'd do it again.

Pregnancy Wave: Sold Out

Image Description: Four pregnant women stand in a tight group. All four wear sunglasses and have long, dark hair, and three of them in ponytails. The one on the left is wearing a pink bra top and pink-and-turquoise leggings, the next wears a black sports bra and gray spandex shorts, the third has a black-and-white patterned sports bra and a pair of dark gray short shorts, and the fourth has a gray sports bra and gray shorts.

Caption: The Pregnancy Wave hit hard, transforming 80% of the population in affected areas into women at various stages of pregnancy. Simon and his pals here slept through the wave after a night of heavy drinking, so they were late to discover its first unexpected consequence: sold-out maternity clothing departments.

Needless to say, it was the last time any of them would be drinking—or sleeping through the night—for a while.

Commentary: The Pregnancy Wave is a bit of an homage to some things that Mindi Flyth has done. Hopefully I'll get to come back to it at some point!

Every Step

Image Description: A woman with shoulder-length brown hair is walking outdoors, looking backward at herself. She is wearing a low-cut white shirt, a necklace, a brown skirt that stretches over her pregnant belly, and red shoes with wedge heels.

Caption: "Every step will change you," the witch promised Derek. "Until you become a better person."

He'd rolled his eyes and walked away from the crazy old broad. Witchcraft? Seriously? What a loon.

Derek didn't feel the changes as he walked home, not until he had to push the strands of long, brown hair out of his face. He looked down to see a wholly unfamiliar body—a woman's body! And an attractive one at that! He jumped backward in shock, and his hair grew another few inches. He suddenly needed to get home, and in the fewest steps possible.

He stretched his legs as far as his new skirt would allow, but the changes continued. He nearly fell over when his ratty old sneakers suddenly became a pair of dark red closed-toe wedges. He took a few tentative steps, and began to think that maybe it wasn't so bad. He'd been pretty miserable—and a real jerk to that old woman—but this might be the kind of change he needed to turn his life around.

Debra smiled as he watched his butt bubble outward over the next few steps. She was becoming quite the hottie! She was a little disappointed when she stopped seeing any more changes to her backside, despite taking several more steps down the road, but she'd be in for a very big, unexpected surprise when she looked forward again!

Commentary: This is one of my favorite pictures I've found for captioning. It took a bit to come up with the right cap, but I like how the story turned out.

Reading Glasses

Image Description: A pregnant woman with long brown hair, dressed in a lacy black bra and an oversized white button-down shirt looks down at something, confused.

Caption: Shit! That wasn't a spell for eternal life! That was a spell for internal life!

That's it, no more spellcasting without my reading glasses.

Commentary: Only now am I realizing just how vague the transformation here is. Like, the shirt implies that it's gender transformation, but it could just be a sudden pregnancy, too. Whatever floats your boat, I guess. Death of the author!