Cheat Codes

 

Image Description: A young woman sits on a couch holding an XBox 360 controller and wearing a gaming headset. She has long, dark brown hair coming down over her left shoulder, and very large bare breasts sticking out of the bottom of her turquoise spaghetti-string top. 

Caption: “Try all you want to distract me,” Jayden said. “Using those magic cheat codes is just an admission that you can’t beat me in a fair fight. But now you’re gonna get beat down by the hottest girl on Earth!”

User Experience

Image Description: A woman stands in a featureless room. She has long strawberry blonde hair that covers her otherwise bare breasts. She has one well-manicured hand on her hip, and the other on her thigh. She is wearing only a silver ring on her left middle finger and a small circular silver shield over her groin, held in place with a thin silver chain.

Caption: “Why did you change my character designs?” Audrey demanded, barging into Felix’s office.
“Marketing thought your female warrior design was unattractive.”
“She’s a barbarian. She isn’t supposed to be attractive, she’s supposed to be a badass.”
“That’s a pretty sexist attitude. Attractive women can be badasses.”
“You made her into a stick-thin sex object in a metal bikini! Her armor is totally impractical! It doesn’t provide actual protection!”
“Sure it does, it has the same stats as the male armor. And the male characters are sexualized too, just look at all their muscles! Besides, we have to make certain aesthetic choices. For realism.”
“It’s a fantasy game!”
“So why does it matter if she has ‘practical’ armor? You’re just not making sense, Audrey. I think you’re too emotionally invested.”
She glared at him, then sighed in frustration and stomped out.

When Felix woke, he brushed long hair out of his face with a willowy, manicured hand. Looking around, it only took him a moment to recognize the surroundings. After all, he’d been looking at them for over a year now. He was in the game! Level 1!

A note had been coded into a nearby wall: “I’ve given it some more thought, and you’re totally right. In fact, I made some more badass aesthetic adjustments that I think you’ll really enjoy! Make it to the end of the game, and we’ll talk about your user experience after.

- Audrey”

Commentary: At one point I had a different idea for this picture, and I might get around to doing it at some point...

Deep Bench

Image Description: A woman with shoulder-length blonde hair stands on one side of a volleyball net. She is wearing a black bikini and holding a volleyball, and she has a satisfied expression on her face. Behind her and to her left are three dark-haired women standing casually.

Caption: “Well, you boys sure are quiet. Starting to rethink your comments about girls’ volleyball
skills? Because by my count, you’re 0 for 3, and I’ve got three new recruits for the girls’
team. They’re not exactly starters, but it’s nice to have a deep bench. So, who’s next?”

Commentary: I always love captions about sports and magical wagers like this.

Something Different

Image Description: A very pregnant woman with shoulder-length auburn hair sits cross-legged on a bed, with a quizzical expression on her face. She is wearing a pair of green pajama pants with white spots, and a gray t-shirt that completely exposes her round belly.

Caption: Greg’s wife Anna loved to magically change her appearance challenge him to identify what was different. He’d gotten pretty good, even when she clouded his senses. So this time she tried something a little different.

“Hm,” Greg said, looking at her quizzically, shifting to accommodate his now-huge belly. “I don’t think it’s your hair, and I think your eyes are the same...is it your nose?”

Anna smirked. He’d get there eventually.

Commentary: And here it is, the last post left from the ol' Tumblr. Which means I no longer have a nice little archive to pull from every week. I've banked quite a few captions over the months, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to burn through it too quickly. So starting next week, I’ll be updating twice a week instead of three times, and it’ll probably be Monday and Friday. Bookend your work week with all-new captions!

A Game of W-H-O-R-E

Image Description: An attractive young woman is on the ground of an outdoor basketball court, with her legs spread open and her arms propping her up into a semi-sitting position. She has her eyes closed, and her long brown hair hangs down almost to the ground. Her red-and-white ringer t-shirt is tight across her braless breasts, and is short enough to leave the bottoms of her breasts exposed. She is also wearing black-and-white boyshorts and sneakers, and a basketball is nearby.

Caption: Arturo thought Carlos said “hey, wanna play a game of HORSE?” It was weird that Carlos called out “W” after Arturo missed a shot, but Carlos was kind of a weird guy anyway. Arturo pulled at his shirt and shorts, wondering if they’d somehow shrunk in the dryer, but they’d been fine until he started the game.

When Arturo missed a second shot, Carlos shouted “H.”

“You forget how to spell?” Arturo asked, then cleared his throat. His voice sounded strange, and he hoped he wasn’t getting sick. He took his time and shot again, certain this time that he’d make it,
but the ball came nowhere near the basket.

Carlos laughed out an “O,” which was humiliating enough, but then Arturo noticed he’d also broken a nail. When did his nails get so long? When’s the last time he’d had them done?

Determined not to lose, he brushed his hair back behind his ear. He’d have to get it trimmed, it was a mess of split ends. He shot again with all his strength, just barely hitting the rim.

“Yeah, yeah, R,” he said to Carlos, rolling his eyes. His voice was still a little husky. Probably just out of breath, he figured.

The next shot went wild when his arm caught his breast. What was he thinking, starting this game without a sports bra? He was sure to be sore tomorrow, and not just because of losing.

Carlos giggled out an “E” as Ariel dropped to the ground, tired but exhilarated. Sure she lost, but she sure got her heart pumping.

Carlos reached to help her up. “Wanna hit the shower?” he smirked.

“How ‘bout a rematch?” Ariel replied. “This time, shirts vs. skins.”

High-Stakes Pool

Image Description: A naked woman with long brown hair and a tattoo around her navel stands next to a pool table, holding a cue and a ball rack. She eyes the table intently.

Caption: The night was not going well for Frank. He lost his clothes in the first round against Mitch, and his manhood in the second. He's betting the rest on game three, lining up every shot like some kind of chessmaster. Unfortunately for Frank, I think Mitch is gonna be the only master he knows for a long time.

Commentary: Pictures of naked people in places where you wouldn't normally expect naked people are, like, the best fodder for TG captions.